Healing

Dear God:

today has been a day of revelation.  God, for the last month i've let my heart become hardened and i allowed myself to become numb and indifferent to everything around me.  at first, i didn't understand why.  but wisdom from friends helped me realize i was trying to protect myself from feeling hurt.  my indifference was a self-defense mechanism.  it was then that i realized i need to seek complete restoration for past hurt and hardships.

but Lord! that task seemed too daunting for me! the thought of me opening up all my past struggles/hurt made me cringe and i couldn't do it.  i thought i had to reopen old wounds and fight through it to get complete healing.  i thought tears had to be poured out.  i thought it would be too painful...so i allowed indifference to reign in my life for a while longer.  but Lord! being indifferent to things and people around me is not how You created me.  and my spirit was constantly conflicted.  

last night i declared i would yearn for You.  i declared (and i declare again) that my thoughts would be consumed by You.  today i have been reflecting on this passage:

"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.  By his wounds you have been HEALED" (1 peter 2:24)

it says by your wounds i have been "healed"--not "healing", not "will be healed".  it says, "healed".  it's been done.  The moment You died and resurrected, i have been redeemed and healed.  the act of healing in this verse refers to the healing achieved by the forgiveness of our sins 'by your wounds'.  it refers to forgiveness: victory from sin, victory from darkness and hardships...spiritual and emotional healing.

so the healing i thought i had to suffer through to become restored, is actually not my task at all.  it's something You already claimed victory over.  i thought i had to work through my past darkness myself and overcome it by my strength.  but Lord! You have already overcome everything.

i have already been healed and all my darkness and oppression overcome.  *mind blown* so i realize now that it's not so much about going through the process of healing, but it's about receiving Your healing.  i need to receive and accept it.  

so Lord, i open my hands and heart to You.  honestly, i don't know how this will work, or how this will go.  and i don't know if any of my words or interpretations make any sense.  all i know is that in faith, i open my heart to You and release all control to You.

love,

grace

Yearn

Dear God:

"Lord, i want to yearn for You

i want to burn with passion

over You and only You

Lord i want to yearn"

father, i want to yearn for You and only You.  i want you to consume my thoughts and my heart.  i want to be jealous for Your attention and time.  consume me, Lord.

tonight i really didn't know what to pray.  i felt so lost that i didn't even know where to start.  all i knew was that i refused to give up--i was determined that You would meet and speak to me.  and the word that came to me was "yearn".  

father, i've let so many other things and people come before us.  i cast all of it away Lord.  i throw it all aside so that i may see Your face more clearly.  cut everything else down so that the only thing left is the cross.  right now i declare that You are sovereign over my life and i will be obedient in whatever Your will is.  

"As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God" (psalm 42:1-2).  God, my soul is dry and thirsty.  and i come before You now, seeking Your living water.  restore our relationship.  wait...no, i don't just want a restored relationship...father, restore and then improve upon our relationship to a place that i can't even begin to imagine.

father...consume my thoughts...consume my mind...burn away everything else that is not of You and from You.  i want to be obsessed with my God.  discipline me, Lord, to be able to relentlessly pursue You as You are relentlessly pursuing me.  

in this time of confusion and chaos, i will blindly run after You.  when i feel darkness trying to overcome me, i will cling onto You even harder and refuse to let go.  take all of me, take my life, it's all for You.

i will yearn for You and only You.

love,

grace

Entrusted

Dear God:

hello.  it has been a while.

father...i entrust my heart to You and only You.  through everything You are the only one who has been on my side.  when i act out, when i curse You, when i ignore You...no matter what i do, You have always been there for me.  so Lord, i entrust You with my heart because You are the only one who can protect it.  people will fail, but You will always be there.

i hide myself under Your wings.  Lord, until my heart heals, i will hide myself in You.  thank you for opening my eyes so that i can see that through everything You have been right next to me.  thank you for being there for me.  thank you for being my father, my master, my protector, my friend...

in this time of confusion and hurt, i look to You.  cause honestly, i don't know what to do.  i wait upon You.  let everything and everyone else fade away.  i will only look towards and trust in You.

love,

grace