Dear God:
today has been a day of revelation. God, for the last month i've let my heart become hardened and i allowed myself to become numb and indifferent to everything around me. at first, i didn't understand why. but wisdom from friends helped me realize i was trying to protect myself from feeling hurt. my indifference was a self-defense mechanism. it was then that i realized i need to seek complete restoration for past hurt and hardships.
but Lord! that task seemed too daunting for me! the thought of me opening up all my past struggles/hurt made me cringe and i couldn't do it. i thought i had to reopen old wounds and fight through it to get complete healing. i thought tears had to be poured out. i thought it would be too painful...so i allowed indifference to reign in my life for a while longer. but Lord! being indifferent to things and people around me is not how You created me. and my spirit was constantly conflicted.
last night i declared i would yearn for You. i declared (and i declare again) that my thoughts would be consumed by You. today i have been reflecting on this passage:
"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been HEALED" (1 peter 2:24)
it says by your wounds i have been "healed"--not "healing", not "will be healed". it says, "healed". it's been done. The moment You died and resurrected, i have been redeemed and healed. the act of healing in this verse refers to the healing achieved by the forgiveness of our sins 'by your wounds'. it refers to forgiveness: victory from sin, victory from darkness and hardships...spiritual and emotional healing.
so the healing i thought i had to suffer through to become restored, is actually not my task at all. it's something You already claimed victory over. i thought i had to work through my past darkness myself and overcome it by my strength. but Lord! You have already overcome everything.
i have already been healed and all my darkness and oppression overcome. *mind blown* so i realize now that it's not so much about going through the process of healing, but it's about receiving Your healing. i need to receive and accept it.
so Lord, i open my hands and heart to You. honestly, i don't know how this will work, or how this will go. and i don't know if any of my words or interpretations make any sense. all i know is that in faith, i open my heart to You and release all control to You.
love,
grace
